Boundaries and borders. Lines that keep things divided or separated, that separate for a purpose. They aren’t always bad–actually, I am learning how important they really are. In my mind, boundaries have always held a negative connotation. Let people in, don’t demarcate how much of you that you let them see. Or if I couldn’t seem to be close to someone I wanted to, I blamed boundaries. She must not want to share with me.
But I am ever conscious right now of some boundary-related choices that I’ve made. Or a lack of them! Like trying to talk through something difficult for me without first having processed it with myself, my hubby or someone else close to me. I want so much to belong that I will share my thoughts on something even if I have no idea yet what those thoughts are. And then I will roll in shame wondering why I overshared the way I did…
It’s like taking a dive into the water without first knowing how far you’re going to have to swim. And sometimes I feel that I’m literally drowning when I’m talking to people. How awful is it to get out there “in the rapids” or the hard stuff of a conversation and realize you can’t make it. I typically realize I’m out there far too late and start saying weird things like “oh” and “that’s interesting” or nonsensical things just to distract from how awkward I have quickly become. Oh those poor people.
Sorry for that if you’ve been on the receiving end of one of those conversations!
On the flip side, I’ve set some borders so inflexibly that even people inside my closest circles are in the dark about what I’m thinking. Of all people, these ones should know! These are the ones who want to sail with me, to fly with me, to experience the creative sojourns or how I’m feeling on a matter. Yet I trust them least!
Sorry to you with whom I should be sharing more of myself yet am not.
I need to set expectations of myself with myself and with others.
I have too many borders in some places. Too few in others. I share too much with people who are not ready for me, who don’t know me, haven’t earned the right to–and not in a mean way, just because we haven’t had the time yet to do so. And with others, the ones with whom I connect again and again with, I stunt our relationships by saying no to conversations that want and need to happen.
Wading through all this has me realizing that I am still letting out there influence me in here. Too much and too often. But I am eager to do something about it. I am eager to start bringing my whole self to the scene wherever I go. So here goes whole self. Go.